Saturday, December 4, 2021


Ah, secondary characters!  None more put-upon than Mrs. Claus.  Santa gets all the accolades, and she's left to handle details.  This occasioned me to reprise an old poem I wrote some time ago.  Like the original, I like to think it's worth the read every Christmastime. Ir's a little risque, so I hope I don't offend anyone!  Here's Mrs. Claus' story. Submitted to Poets & Storytellers United, Deember 4, 2021.



‘Tis the night before Christmas, I’ve just cleaned the house

Now I find Santa’s been drinking, the louse

He’s been into that bottle of Christmas cheer

I’ve been using for cooking since some time last year.

So, now the sleigh’s loaded (and so is he)

There’s nobody left to drive but me

There’s no place to sit except on his lap

And he’s probably lost the blasted map.

Well, giddyup Prancer, and Blitzen too

We’ve got an important job to do.

Just fly high and fast as in days of yore

We’ll go really fast, so they don’t hear him snore.

We’ll deliver these toys with all possible class

In spite of this tanked-up irresponsible ass.

Who’d have thought when I married my handsome prince

He’d turn into the bum I’ve been living with since.

Rudolph, I thought I could count on you

But I see by your nose you’ve been hitting the brew

Oh, how will I travel this highway of stars

When even NASA can’t find Planet Mars.

I’ m only one woman, but can’t you see

All the boys and girls are counting on me?

Well, here we go fellas, it’s a leap of faith

Pretend you’re up and it’s the last of the eighth.

I knew we could do it, I just love you guys

In spite of our troubles, you were wonderfully wise

The toys are delivered, we’re almost back

With this besotted tippler, and an empty sack.


We rose to the occasion and we did it all right.

He’s beginning to wake up….Oh you lecherous rake!

Not tonight, Santa, I have a headache.


  1. Ha ha, lovely to have a good laugh. This is a gem, Bev. You are so clever!

  2. Oh yes, this is a gem!
    Totally enjoyed this poem. :)

  3. Pure and utter delight ... ho ho ho.

  4. Brilliant and hysterically funny! Mrs. Claus is a very strong woman. And thank goodness for that. The alternative would be many disappointed little hearts. Someone needs to get Santa and Rudolph into AA.

  5. Cute! We all know there's a Mrs. Claus, but don't give her another thought, do we? What she must put up with. And after Christmas, all her husband probably does is nap and rest up, which she still have all the cooking and cleaning for the elves.

  6. "Behind every successful man there is a woman steering the ship."
    I only did this once, a bunch of friends, both sexes, threw me into the shower. I was needed. Or wanted?
    "I’ve been using for cooking since some time last year." When we left Barbados, we had some of their currency left over and so on the plane we bought two bottles of rum. One is open for cooking, the other just sits. I can't remember if I had a Diet Coke and rum from the open one or not.
    That's what your neat poem brings out in me. I believed in Santa until the Christmas when I was in the seventh grade. After the school program Santa came and I was sitting on his lap. He said to me, "Didn't I see you playing down at my creed pond last week?" I didn't know then but in a day or so I had it figured out.
    Good write, intriguing.

  7. I hope this was as much fun to write as it was for me to read. Absolutely hilarious and I'm adding it to my annual Christmas reading list.