Thursday, December 14, 2017


I wrote this a few years ago, but
it’s fun to revisit it every Christmas.
After all, we don’t get to hear from
Mrs. Claus very often!
Submitted to dVerse Open Link  December 14, 2017
“Tis the night before Christmas, I’ve just cleaned the house
Now I find Santa’s been drinking, the louse
He’s been into that bottle of Christmas cheer
I’ve been using for cooking since some time last year.

So, now the sleigh’s loaded (and so is he)
There’s nobody left to drive but me
There’s no place to sit except on his lap
And he’s probably lost the blasted map.

Well, giddyup Prancer, and Blitzen too
We’ve got an important job to do.
Just fly high and fast as in days of yore
We’ll go really fast, so they don’t hear him snore.

We’ll deliver these toys with all possible class
In spite of this tanked-up irresponsible ass.
Who’d have thought when I married my handsome prince
He’d turn into the bum I’ve been living with since.

Rudolph, I thought I could count on you
But I see by your nose you’ve been hitting the brew
Oh, how will I travel this highway of stars
When even NASA can’t find Planet Mars.

I’m only one woman, but can’t you see
All the boys and girls are counting on me?
Well, here we go fellas, it’s a leap of faith
Pretend you’re up and it’s the last of the eighth.

…I knew we could do it, I just love you guys
In spite of our troubles, you were wonderfully wise
The toys are delivered, we’re almost back
With this besotted tippler, and an empty sack.

We rose to the occasion and we did it all right.
He’s beginning to wake up … Oh you lecherous rake!
Not tonight, Santa, I’ve got a headache.


  1. Ha.. what a wonderful poem and such fun. Love the end especially (but I think he should have a headache really)

  2. Love it, wonderful poem. I'd say Mrs Claus would have more than a headache.

  3. Loved this Bev! A bit of levity in the cold and intemperate climate--happy holidays to you!

  4. Great finish especially Beverly - you can tell you had fun writing this, which carries through to your readers...

  5. What a lovely, scrumptious Christmas poem; mine tend to tip to the dark side, fussing about commercialism, touting its checkered history from Germany to the Middle East to Lapland where non-blushing virgins bite off reindeer testicles--the ladies of castration.

  6. Well Mrs Claus, you are something else ~ Thanks for delivering all the toys and cheers abounding ~

    Wishing you Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!!

  7. Such fun Beverly! This was so much fun and no, we do not get to hear enough about Mrs. Claus! Holiday and new year blessings.

  8. Yet again, a woman saves the day and goes unacknowledged! I've never thought of Mrs Claus before and thanks for the reminder there must've been one. Another one now written back into history.

  9. Nicely done, Bev, and great fun! Have a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

  10. I enjoyed this so much!❤️ Wishing you Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!❤️

  11. LOL!!! This is Wonderful, Bev. It made me laugh Out Loud! I needed this laugh this morning. Brava!!!

    Jane (Lady blah this morn.)

  12. Nice one! I liked this line: "So, now the sleigh’s loaded (and so is he)". It looks like Rudolph isn't any better.

  13. You made my day, Beverly. What a great Christmas poem!!

  14. He’s beginning to wake up … Oh you lecherous rake!
    Not tonight, Santa, I’ve got a headache.

    Given the no. of households to visit an amorous Santa may not last the night.


  15. And Rudolph too! Good ol' Mrs Clause taking the helm!
    Merry Christmas Bev!
    Anna :o]

  16. Oh, Bev, this is priceless! Clever and witty. Poor Mrs. C.

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