MRS. CLAUS SPEAKS

I wrote this a few years ago, but
it’s fun to revisit it every Christmas.
After all, we don’t get to hear from
Mrs. Claus very often!
Submitted to dVerse Open Link  December 14, 2017
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“Tis the night before Christmas, I’ve just cleaned the house
Now I find Santa’s been drinking, the louse
He’s been into that bottle of Christmas cheer
I’ve been using for cooking since some time last year.

So, now the sleigh’s loaded (and so is he)
There’s nobody left to drive but me
There’s no place to sit except on his lap
And he’s probably lost the blasted map.

Well, giddyup Prancer, and Blitzen too
We’ve got an important job to do.
Just fly high and fast as in days of yore
We’ll go really fast, so they don’t hear him snore.

We’ll deliver these toys with all possible class
In spite of this tanked-up irresponsible ass.
Who’d have thought when I married my handsome prince
He’d turn into the bum I’ve been living with since.

Rudolph, I thought I could count on you
But I see by your nose you’ve been hitting the brew
Oh, how will I travel this highway of stars
When even NASA can’t find Planet Mars.

I’m only one woman, but can’t you see
All the boys and girls are counting on me?
Well, here we go fellas, it’s a leap of faith
Pretend you’re up and it’s the last of the eighth.

…I knew we could do it, I just love you guys
In spite of our troubles, you were wonderfully wise
The toys are delivered, we’re almost back
With this besotted tippler, and an empty sack.

With MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT
We rose to the occasion and we did it all right.
He’s beginning to wake up … Oh you lecherous rake!
Not tonight, Santa, I’ve got a headache.
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