Sunday, December 20, 2020

Mrs. Claus Speaks

Poets and Storytellers #51 Year's End, and I'm sharing an oldie and wishing everyone happy holidays, all safe and well!   We seldom get to hear Mrs. Claus' side of the story. 


 ‘Tis the night before Christmas, I’ve just cleaned the house

Now I find Santa’s been drinking, the louse

He’s been into that bottle of Christmas cheer

I’ve been using for cooking since some time last year.

So, now the sleigh’s loaded (and so is he)

There’s nobody left to drive but me

There’s no place to sit except on his lap

And he’s probably lost the blasted map.

Well, giddy-up Prancer, and Blitzen too

We’ve got an important job to do.

Just fly high and fast as in days of yore

We’ll go really fast, so they don’t hear him snore.

We’ll deliver these toys with all possible class

In spite of this tanked-up irresponsible ass.

Who’d have thought when I married my handsome prince

He’d turn into the bum I’ve been living with since.

Rudolph, I thought I could count on you

But I see by your nose you’ve been hitting the brew

Oh, how will I travel this highway of stars

When even NASA can’t find Planet Mars.

I’ m only one woman, but can’t you see

All the boys and girls are counting on me?

Well, here we go fellas, it’s a leap of faith

Pretend you’re up and it’s the last of the eighth.

...I knew we could do it, I just love you guys

In spite of our troubles, you were wonderfully wise

The toys are delivered, we’re almost back

With this besotted tippler, and an empty sack.


We rose to the occasion and we did it all right.

He’s beginning to wake up….Oh you lecherous rake!

Not tonight, Santa, I’ve got a headache.


  1. Oh, just wonderful! So funny! Shame on Santa. Mrs. Claus (who needs her OWN name) shouldn't put up with that next year. Or, stage a rebellion and take over.

    1. "Mary Christmas," according to James W. Foley, c. 1908.

  2. Be, this is a delightful romp with Ms. Claus and her besotted hubby. Remember Garrison Keillor and Prairie Home Companion? I think he would have loved reading this to his audience!!

    1. Might be nice if I spelled your name correctly! Arthritic fingers on an iPad keyboard, LOL.

  3. Interesting info concerning the sex life of the Claus family...
    Merry Christmas...Looking forward to more mad poems nest year !

  4. Interesting info concerning the sex life of the Claus family.
    Merry Christmas.. looking forward to more mad poems next year.

  5. Hilarious. Merry Christmas to Mr. and Mrs. Claus!
    Now I've got to go and clean my own haus.

  6. Totally enjoyed this hilarious romp! :)

  7. Whoa! The story that you don't want to read to your grandkids--or do you? :)

  8. This made me smile some much needed smiles this Monday afternoon.

  9. Oh, dearest Bev, this is glorious! My eyes are warm with laughter. Can't wait to share this one with the family.

    I hope you and yours have a wonderful Holiday Season!

  10. Fabulous! Brought all of the season's cheer and more! Hope this poem finds the wider audience it deserves!

    1. Thank you. It's an oldie, but I tend to bring it out every couple of years!

  11. Haha, this is fantastic, Bev! My favorite part: "Rudolph, I thought I could count on you / But I see by your nose you’ve been hitting the brew." My childhood is tainted now. lol

  12. Ha! This is priceless, and the rhyming is perfect.

  13. What fun! I love Mrs. Claus's voice.

  14. This is just great :) Happy New Year.